Saturday, February 19, 2005
5:17 PM
As usual, I seem to have messed things up. Well, I guess thats just me. Being the indecisive creature that I am, coupled with selfishness and some idiosyncrasy, this is not the first time I've jumbled things and gotten into all sorts of trouble. Yes, the idiot that I'm describing here is myself. That's how evil and dumb I am. A total nincompoop.
Tired. Totally exhausted. I may carry on with life with that similar outlook but internally, that is simply not the case. As much as I would like to take things lightly, I find it quite impossible.
Someone commented that a large proportion of my troubles are caused by my lack of confidence as well as my inability to go ahead and engage myself in something that I believe in. To a certain extent, I agree with the statement. I am an individual who is damn lacking in self confidence and I always deliberate in whatever decisions that I have to make, thus bringing about misery to myself as well as others around me. But this is the consequence of learning from rushing into things from my past experiences. Though I haven't been able to kick this bad habit of mine when it comes to work, I believe that I've toned down alot when it comes to other stuff.
Anyway, I feel my self confidence has already improved by leaps and bounds in the recent years. It might still be lacking as compared to some others, but its already a lot better than it was 3 or 4 years ago. Yes, trust me man. There was a point in time when I was so disillusioned that when I look back, I don't even know how I managed to get pass that phrase. The sense of insecurity, having nobody to confide in, having the feeling that nobody understands. I don't ever want to relive those moments.
I've been extremely lucky to have met 3 or rather, 4 people in my life. These are 4 people I'll remain grateful to for the rest of my life. They are the ones who have been partly responsible for moulding me into the present being that I am, and I believe that if I have never met them, I might still be that miserable soul I had been previously. Regardless whether you are reading this, thank you. Thank you for all the concern that you have shown me and the help that you have given me. Nothing that I say here can ever express my gratitude towards you guys.
Hmmm... I seem to have gone out of point again.
Anyway, yah, I've had enough. I'm tired of all the nonsense that I've created. I'm sorry for all that. I really shouldn't have asked so many questions. Clarifications lead to hurt. Its all my fault. I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone in the process, but the selfish side of me is acting up again. So please, just leave me alone.
- i make my life perfect -
